Collaborative Stories

I like doing collaborative stories. They work like this: I pass my story to Dad, who passes his story to Jay, who passes his story to me.
These are some of my favorite stories:
My "Jewled Ring - Make Mom Sing"
Imagine giving your Mom this ring. Made from pure gold with a sapphire on top. And because of Mother's Day we're taking price down from $5000 to $1000. And, we're also doing birthstone rings!
Birthstones:
January-onyx
Febuary-topaz
March-limestone
April-amber
May-sandstone
June-obsidean
July-granit
August-diamond
September-marshmellow
October-ruby
November-slate
December-cement
Here's a testimonial from a satisfied customer:
"My mother didn't dream she'd be getting this marvelous gift from me for Mother's Day, and when she sent me off to sell the cow at the market she thought we would be buying food with the money. Boy was she surprised when I came back home with the ring! She was amazed when I told her I had gotten it for only $1000, and was so overwhelmed she broke down and started crying. It was such a touching moment I felt like crying, too.
Jack N. D. Beanstalk
We will even include custom packaging as a special bonus with orders of over 3 rings.
We also will imbed special things in the rings:
January-goose feathers
Febuary-cherries
March-flowers
April-water
May-$50
June-Hummos
July-motherboards
August-apple
September-pumpkin
October-turkey
November-candle
December-bubble gum


My "Beeper and Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"
Beeper yawned. He was really tired, but he didn't dare go to sleep. Going to sleep now would mean packing away his dastardly scheme and unpacking it next Christmas Eve.
Beeper's great scheme was this: He was going to catch Rudolph the Red-Nosed Rudolph and hold him for ransom. When Snata came to get Rudolph, Beeper would demand all Santa's toys AND all the elves. If Santa refused, Beeper would hold Santa hostage, too.
"I will be rich by the New Year!" Beeper thought, setting down a book entitled "T'was the Night Before Christmas: A Badcar Poem." The poem read like this:
T'was the night before Christmas,
In Badside and everywhere and Panama Ithmus,
And inside Beeper's home,
In Beeper's great dome,
Beeper was sleeping,
Not one eye was he peeping,
And he was dreaming of Skeeper falling into a pit,
And dreaming of Gold and Bop being hit.
How was he going to catch Rudolph? That was the best part of the plan. Beeper had prepared a specal trap that Rudolph wouldn't be able to resist. The he would substitute an imposter for Rudolph and Santa wouldn't know where the real Rudolph was.
Beeper thought he saw something flying through the sky over Goodside. "Must be old fatso." Time to set my plan into action!"
Beeper pushed a button marked "Decoy" and a spotlight clicked on, illuminating an inflatable reindeer that had long eyelashes, ruby lips, and a red nose. A tape recorder started playing "Hey there Rudolph, I have a secret to tell you."
After a few minutes the something was seen to veer off from its course and come toward Beeper's house.
Beeper watched intently, one tire poized abore a red lever and the other over a bright green button. Beeper activated his high power binoculars, and, looking through them, saw a string of reindeer coming toward him, and at the front was Rudolph.
As Rudolph sped closer, Beeper got ready, spinning his rear tires in anticipation. Just as Rudolph was coming in for a landing, Beeper pulled the lever. At the same time he pushd the button and flicked a switch with one of his rear wheels. A entire section of the roof lifted up like a trapdoor, while at the same time remote lasers that were stationed on the roof fired, severing the traces in two. At the same time a extremely powerful electro-magnet in the hole in Beeper's roof activated. Rudolph was caught by surprise when the traces were severed and therefore was trying to get his legs to catch up with the rest of him. When the magnet activated it caught the sleighbells attatched to Rudolph's harness and drg him down by them.
Before Santa or Rudolph knew what was happening, Rudolph had been dragged beneath the doors, they had snapped shut, and Santa's sleigh and the other reindeer had hurtled off the other side of Beeper's roof and out over Badside.

PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE CHANGED A LITTLE BIT OF THE LAST PART TO MAKE IT MORE UNDERSTANDABLE

My Favorite Books

I have a lot of favorite books. I like Cirque du Freak by Darren Shan, (I think Cirque du Freak means Circus of Freaks), I like Harry Potter, The Golden Compass series by Phillip Pullman, A Series of Unfortunate Events by Lemony Snicket, Bunnicula by James Howe, and a lot of other books. The books I mentioned are like this:
In the first Cirque du Freak book the main character, Darren, turns into a half-vampire, thanks to a full vampire named Mr. Crepsley. Darren is smart when he knows what is going on, but a total idiot when he doesm't. Some of my favortite parts in the books are when Darren keeps checking for fangs and when Darren tries to move a cross with his mind, only to learn that Mr. Crepsley (who is with him in that scene) really can't do magic at all.
Everyone knows what Harry Potter is like, so I will go on.
The Golden Compass is about a girl named Lyra who lives in a world where humans have daemons (an animal that is connected to it's human.) There is a mysterious force called Dust involved. In the second book Lyra meets Will, a boy who was from a different world and had murdered a person. Lyra and Will meet in a world where there are spectors. In the third book Lyra and Will go to the world of the dead, since Lyra wants to say sorry to a friend who died. Lyra has an alithiometer all through the books. An alithiometer is a truth teller. Lyra and Will get a knife that can cut into different worlds. I'm leaving a huge amount of things out in this description, and the books make a lot more sense of it than I do.
A Series of Unfortunate Events is where three orphans' house burn down, killing their parents. The orphans, who are called the Baudelaires, go of to live with Count Olaf, a greedy man who wants to steal the Baudelaires' enormous fortune. The Baudelaires live with guardian after guardian after they leave Count Olaf, and they thwart plan after plan of his. Plan after plan meaning a plan to steal their fortune.
Bunnicula is a book about a vampire rabbit. At night he sucks juice out of vegetables. Harold, a dog and the main character, likes Bunnicula in the end. Chester, Harold's friend who is a cat, tries to get rid of Bunnicula. He pretends he is a vampire in the presense of the human family. He puts garlic all over the house. He pounds a sirloin steak on Bunnicula in the daytime. In the end of the book, Chester has to go to a cat phyciatrist, Dr. Verruckt Katz.
I really like these books. Right now I'm reading the third and last book in The Golden Compass series. The three book are called: The Golden Compass, The Subtle Knife, and The Amber Spyglass.

PLEASE NOTE: I THINK THAT THE GOLDEN COMPASS SERIES IS REALLY THE HIS DARK MATERIALS SERIES.

Soft and cuddly stuffed animals and dolls

I have been doing something EXTREMELY embarrasing lately. That's called playing with barbie dolls.
In my opinion barbie dolls have no charm. They lie on a chair, in their case, anywhere, smiling, even if in the game they are being electricuted. Or when you put on a dress it sticks on their hips.
My barbie doll population is like this:
COURTNY- Courtny is a rather small doll (still a teenager, more Skipper size) who has extremely long hair. Courtny recently got a dreadlock, but I still put her hair up in CRAZY ways.
MIDGE- A red-haired doll who has freckles. When I try to put a dress on Midge it usually sticks on her abnormally fat hips.
TERESA- Teresa has brown hair and is SUPPOSED to be a ballerina. (Right now she is a slave girl who just finished dressing Courtny.) Teresa was given to me when I was (5 years???) younger. Probably younger than 5 years. Anyway, Tereasa was given to me from my grandfather.
I bought Midge. (I really should have bought a Ken. I really need one; I have a wedding dress and some men's clothing. People know the laws, you can't have a woman marry a women AND it's no fun pretending one of the dolls is Ken. )
Courtny was given to me either by my Aunt or my brother.
I have one other doll I can think of right now. She is a Bitty Baby, I hardly ever play with her, and I bought her from American Girl.
Bitty Baby's name is Lillian. Right now she is sleeping (peacefully? I sincerely doubt THAT) in a wooden crib under at least 5 pounds of junk. (Dustmites, cloth bag, blankets, granny square instruction sheet, yarn, etc.)
I have at least 12 stuffed animals. #12 isn't on one of my pillows; it's all I can do to put 11 on my pillows (above the ones I sleep on.) No, #12 is suffocating under a mound of dirty clothing of the wicker basket.
This is how my stuffed animal population stands. (Although some of it sits.)
PATTY- Patty is really a homemade doll. Mom made her. But, of course, since Patty is stuffed and people originated from animals maybe you could say that Patty really is a stuffed animal. (If you're thinking Patty is an ape, read this closely. PATTY IS NOT AN APE!!!!)
STUFFED ANIMAL #2- This one is a little bear dressed up in a crocidile costume.
STUFFED ANIMAL #3- Is a little lamb wearing a purple hat and holding some flowers.
STUFFED ANIMAL #4- #4 is a squirrel who I like a lot. I think he was the one who leaked beans for a while.
I'm probably boring you sick. (I can't be bored sick cause I just got finished BEING sick. ((I had a cold.)) At any rate, I have Patty, the three mentioned above, a penquin, 2 rabbits, a puppy, a otter, a buffalo, a panda bear, and another bear. #12 is an Avon bear, (he's not one of the othe two), and has been stripped of his clothes.
I like stuffed animals more than dolls. Maybe because I like animals a lot. And maybe because I might be able to find a stuffed animal in goose form and you CERTAINLY COULDN'T find a goose in barbie doll form.

Three Things I Hate

There are three things in the world that I truly hate.
1. Getting sick.
2. Sore throats.
3. Runny noses.
These are the resons why I hate these things. I hate getting sick because you cannot do anything that takes any energy. I hate getting sick because of all the side effects. Which brings us aroung to sore throats.
I hate sore throats because they hurt you throat. (DUH.) I hate sore throats because they make it hard for me to talk.
I hate runny noses because when you wipe them with a hankerchief you get red sores under your nose. Besides, when you go to sleep you get runny nose gunk plastered to your nose.
I also hate colds because I have one right now. When I woke up this morning all the runny nose gunk plastered to my nose had made it so I could hardly breathe through my left nostril. I have had this dratted cold since Friday. I have felt miserable and tired each day. I also have hated this dratted cold each day.

Kids Running Out Of Our Ears and Goats Running Out Of Our Mouths

We now have 25 goats. By the end of July we will probably have at least 30 goats. The figures are like this: We have 10 male goats, and 15 females. 3 of the males are kids. 4 of the females are kids.
These are the goats "bios."
ONYX- Onyx is the herd queen. She is rather stompy when she is milked. Onyx likes to use Lark as a punching bag. I am sure Onyx's greatest ambition is to kill Lark. In general, Onyx is friendly to people but is an absolute toadstool to any goat other than her kids.
PATCHES- Patches is Onyx's half-sister. She is the best goat mother at our place. Because of chronic mastitis Patches might be butchered this fall. I hope she isn't butchered because Patches, along with Onyx and Lark, is the only goat a friend gave us.
CALLA- Calla is Onyx's first daughter. She is fat and spoiled. Calla kidded a few days ago. My brother and I immensely dislike Calla. I frequently call her Cowpie. Jason frequently calls her Moocow.
MYRTLE- Myrtle is Calla's first daughter. She is all black, like her grandmother Onyx. Myrtle is a rather small goat. Her kids are Signus and Pluto. Pluto got sick over the winter and was eventually shot.
LARK- Lark is a long-eared loudmouth. She is very gangly and screams for her food aroung milking time. Lark gets beat up from Onyx. She has given birth to two doelings this year and one doeling and one buckling last year. Oh yeah, Lark pretends she is a bunny rabbit when being milked.
DELOS- Delos is a stinky buck and is the father to most of the kids. He is ugly, was unsucessfully dehorned before we got him, and smells awful from September to February.
PEPPER- Pepper is the only buckling Patches had in her batch of triplets last year. He will probably be the daddy to Myrtle's to-be batch of kids this year.
PEANUT BRITTLE- Peanut Brittle is the son of Lark's. He was born last year. Peanut Britttle is fairly pretty and pretty brown.
CARMEL- Carmel is Peanut Brittle's sister. Due to a sprig teat (a teat that has another teat growing off it) she will probably be butchered. Carmel, Sugar, Spice, Kettle, Petal and Signus are all pregnant.
SUGAR- Sugar is a white doeling. Her mother is Pacthes, and she was one of Patches triplets. I am rather fond of Sugar.
SPICE- Spice is dark brown. Her mother is Patches and she is
the last of Patches' triplets.
KETTLE- Kettle is one of Calla's babies. She is brownish-white.
PETAL- Petal is not very aggresive. She has very short ears. Petal likes being brushed.
SIGNUS- Signus is pure black, like her mom. She is a basic scaredy-cat, like her mom. We named Signus Signus as in Signus the Swan or as in the black whole, Signus X1.
CYPRESS and PEGASUS- Cypress and Pegasus are identical bucklings of Onyx's. Pegasus is probably the dad of Carmel, Sugar, Spice, Kettle, Petal, and Signus's to-be kids.

YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ ABOUT THIS YEAR'S KIDS

ONYX'S KIDS- Onyx has given birth to a doeling and a buckling.
PATCHES' KID- Patches' kid Hermes is about two months old. He is being put in the kid pen at night and is NOT happy about THAT.
CALLA'S KIDS- Calla has a doeling and a buckling. She is an awful mother and let a great amount of poo accumulate under her buckling's tail. We could hardly see his pooer. We had to remove all the poo with a paper towel.
LARK'S KIDS- Lark has two doelings. Although they have not been named, I am calling the brownish doeling Brownie. I could call the white doeling White Sauce.

Goose Deaths

Aphrodite was a White Chinese goose. She was very pretty at first, but as time went on she got battered.
Aphrodite hatched in June at a hatchery. My brother and I got Aphrodite and two other goslings, Loose, a Toulouse goose and Athena, a Brown Chinese goose. Jason bought the goslings. (At the time I wasn't nearly as close to geese as I am now.
The goslings were very cute. I can't remember what Athena and Loose looked like much, but I can remember Aphrodite. She was yellow and fluffy, and I didn't like her much at first.
After a while, the three goslings got to roam around in the yard. The grass was green, and the goslings were getting their feathers. Athena turned mostly brown, Loose turned grey, and Aphrodite turned full white.
Then Aphrodite got signs of wear. A while after we had put the three young geese in with Meesa and Miah, (aldult female sisters who have a strong bond to each other) Aphrodite got caught on the fence. Jason and I had gone outside to get a goose to hold, and there was Aphrodite, caught on the fence.
Her leg was trapped among wires and the skin was torn. We had to cut the wire to get it free. It took some time for Aphrodite to heal and she had a slight limp after she was healed.
In general, Aphrodite was a charming goose. Her honk was like an oink. She had a pencil thin neck. She fought geese twice her size when we got 9 nine more geese. We wanted Aphrodite to mate a gander named Snowball (one of the new geese) but she never did.
Aphrodite got dirty in the winter. She died on a Friday, probbably of hypothermia. It was our fault she died. She had not been interested in her food on Wednesday.
Snowball, the gander we wanted Aphrodite to mate with, had a very gentle personality. He would not run away if you tried to pick him up. That might have been because he was dehydrated and starving. We put him in a box a day or two before he died and then took him out the next day. Snowball died very soon after that. Yet again, it was out fault.
Mister Queen came very near death. He was in the box with Snowball. He was also taken out of the box. When we put Queen in the box next, he stayed in it for about 3 weeks.
There have been funny things that happened to the geese. When Jason first named Loose, his named was spelled Louse. We tried to sex the 9 geese we got, and said that Mister Winston Goose was a female. He's really a male. Sondwodezo and Snowflake were males, then they were females and now they're males again. Spex, Sparks and Comet were males and now they are females. We know they are females because they are Pilgrim Geese and Pilgrim Geese are the only geese who can be sexed by color.
Comet, who is King Konk's mate, would yell a lot when she wasn't with King and vice versa. When Comet started sitting on her nest, we thought she was a crazy gander, not a perfectly sensible female.
I would say that if you want to be a good goose caretaker you need to be very aware of the geese's slightest signs of sickness. If you put a goose in a warm box, you want to keep it in the box for a few days or at least until it warms up. Also, to escape embarrasment, do not try to sex a goose unless you know exactly how to.


This is Aphrodite before she died. I miss her a whole lot.

Duck IQ Test or Jumper, The Dumbest Duck On Earth

Yesterday my brother and I gave most of the female ducks (hens) an IQ test. We had a box with 3 openings. We would put a duck into 1 hole. If she went out the large opening she would be a D and would therefore get another chance. If she went through the big opening and the next time she went through the small opening straight in front of the other small opening that we jammed the duck in at first, she would be a SS. Here is the chart of duck results.
S=Smart
D=Dumb
SS=Semi Smart
SSS=Semi Semi Smart
DI=Dumb Idiot
TDWPFTT=This Duck Wasn't Present For The Test

Blackie-S
Badora-D
BooBoo-D
Eerie-SS
Purple-D
Lavender-TDWPFTT (I think she was in the buck pen and Jay and I HATE going in there)
Tippy-SSS
Wasp-TDWPFTT (Jay was to lazy to get her for the test)
Pu-uh-TDWPFTT (Jay might have been to lazy to get her or maybe she was in the buck pen and Lavender wasn't. I think Pu-uh would have scored a D, however, as she is awfuly stupid)
Quacker-SS
Jumper-DI
Jumper was very stupid. Jay tried to put that idiot through the big opening five times. We wanted her to go to the small opening on the left but she went to the one on the right. Idiot. We did that with her 5 times! Then we put her through one small opening and Jay put his arm over the big opening. She came out through the wrong opening. Double idiot. When Jay blocked up one of the small openings and the large opening it took her 2 minutes to go out the right opening.
Overall, I would say that female ducks are in the top ten list for the most idiotic bird species in the world. I would also say that Jumper is in the top ten list for the most idiodic duck hens in the world.

My Brother

In my opinion, my brother is a git. He cannot spell very well, and he always yells, even if I ask him not to. I say "Jason, why did you uninstall MS Word?" Instead of "That's my business, Keely," in a nice voice it's "THAT'S MY BUSINESS, YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW" or something like that. Honestly, I was just asking a question. No need to yell at me. There is not a law in this house about not being able to ask simple questions. I hate 14 year old boys named Jason Vineger.

Gosling Drowning

Comet, the goslings' mother, had a mean surprise today. One of her six goslings drowned. The gosling was in the yellow water tub with his head mostly under the water. My brother and I think that he climbed in the tub and couln't get out. My brother, Jason, buried the gosling where the other dead animals are buried.